“How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.” – Wayne Dyer
We all know them. Most of us don’t want to be them. How do we deal with them?
The thing about mean girls is, if they don’t wake up – take a good hard look in the mirror – they grow up to become mean women.
It was Sunday morning. The sun was shining. It was the beginning of a beautiful day. After a long walk with my pup followed by a delicious homemade coconut latte, I was ready to begin my day by catching up on responding to comments on social media.
One in particular caught my eye. And then another. The comments were from a former member of my community who had not been there for very long. It was clear they were intended to wound:
I read the comments. I was grateful that I’ve been spending less time on media in general and more time calming my inner world. Fortunately, I was in a peaceful place.
The younger me would have been triggered by such an attack. She would have felt wounded. She would most likely feel she needed to defend herself – believing she had done something wrong to deserve the bitter words.
Fortunately, the older, wiser me took charge. The me who’s spent more than half my life, over 3 decades, excavating her inner world from a lifetime of trauma and abuse – unwinding the cruelty and negativity projected onto me by others.
I put my phone down and spent the next hour in meditation.
In a peaceful place, the way to respond became clear.
It was time to share my thoughts on my Moxie post. The comments were public. That was her choice. It was time to bring this conversation into the light. Perhaps, my thoughts and feelings could help another woman dealing with a mean girl.
One thing that was clear is the cruelty revealed in her comments had nothing to do with me and everything to do with her.
It’s never about us.
One must carefully weigh whether silence is the correct response … oftentimes it is.
But not this time.
It was time to respond to her comments in a personal letter – right here. Right now. And here it is:
I haven’t heard from you in a very long time. From reviewing our past correspondence during the brief time you joined my community last year, it’s been more than a year.
In spring of last year, you posted some negative comments in the group at which time, I promptly reached out to connect personally with you. I spent over an hour talking with you on the phone. I offered to be an intermediary regarding your frustrating experience at Sephora experiencing Ageism. I spent time contacting Sephora and relating your frustrations. I spent time sharing your experience in the community to offer you support. I even offered to allow you to join our team by having a takeover day and to invite you to meet up with me during my visit to NYC in May.
I never heard back from you. A week or so ago, you asked for my help again. Due to many things going on in my life right now, I told you that I could not be of assistance. I did so kindly.
Thank you for sharing that you believe I’ve had plastic surgery. I am flattered! Yes, I’m almost 60. No, I’m not trying to look like a teenager. But, if I was, that’s my choice – not yours. No, I haven’t had plastic surgery. None. Zero. Zippo. But if I did, that would also be none of your beeswax. And I may at some point!
I have no fillers. I have no Botox. I have tried it and you can read about it here. Part of being a grown woman, a Modern Midlife woman, means I make my own choices. It means I’m responsible for my life just as you’re responsible for yours. My choices are mine and your choices are yours.
Yes, I highlight my hair. I guess in your world, that means I’m not being real. I don’t know what world you live in but you shared with me that you now work at Sephora. You may want to know that Sephora sells hair color. Oh, and they also sell gobs of makeup and expensive skin care so women can look and feel better, perhaps younger. You see, it’s not about being fake. It’s because the way we look affects the way we feel. Confident women believe in taking care of themselves mind, body, and spirit. Self love is self care. Sephora is all about teaching women the art of self care.
I have no idea where your beliefs came from. Nor do I care. What’s clear is you have drawn a line in the sand – women who care about how they look are bad, fake, and not real. Women who are “real” must let themselves go. By not taking care of themselves, that means they’re confident.
From my vantage point on this side of the line, that kind of thinking is absurd. It also makes life on the other side of the line a bit lonely. From what I can see, most women do care how they look and how they feel. Confident women believe in self care and self love. That’s the very women who come into Sephora for you to help them. They’re there to purchase makeup, skincare, and hair products; not to hide or to be fake, but to enhance their appearance and to feel more confident.
What I’m most grateful for is that I’m older and far wiser. My younger self would have been shattered by your comments. My older self could care less. She knows better. She knows that you never step on another woman to rise. She knows that negative projections are just that – your own inner world of conflict and negativity being projected outward. She also knows that she doesn’t have to accept your projections because she knows who she is – a grown woman who is a human being doing the best that she can – a human staying in her own lane, cleaning her own inner house so she doesn’t spew her s#*t onto others.
It’s times like this that I invite you and every other mean girl who grows up to be a mean woman to take a good, hard look in the mirror – to tidy up your side of the fence – before peeking over into mine.
In the meantime, I’ll be spending time in the community I’ve built over the past few years – The Tribe With the Kind Vibe – doing what I can in my little corner of the world to make it a little lighter, brighter, and more beautiful – inside and out.
Cheers Beauties. Here’s to Mastering Modern Midlife with Moxie. I’m afraid that mean girls will always be out there. Please remember to stay in your lane. Continue to be the best human you can be. Do the inner work. You can’t change everyone but you can change you. The key to changing this world begins with us – you and me. It’s why we have an important rule in the Forever Fierce Revolution … “No mean girls allowed!”
Need More Moxie?! See all my Moxie On Monday’s!