Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite.
With the whirlwind of the Fierce 50, it’s been awhile since I’ve shared a Capturing Grace message with you and I felt it was time. Life brings ups and downs, ebbs and flows, difficult challenges and great joys. This past week was a low point for me and I wanted to share the struggle that blindsided me. When you write a blog that is designed to inspire and uplift, it can often appear that life is all Unicorns and Rainbows. It’s not.
Early last week, I woke up devastated and depressed. I didn’t know why. Overnight, my confidence and enthusiasm were gone and trying to focus on creating was like pushing through concrete. I had some distressing news about a couple of close friends. I also missed an important business call that made me feel ashamed and I spent way too much time beating myself up about it. The downward spiral began and the negative feelings seemed to rear up like thunderheads racing across the plains. I felt worthless and simply wanted to lie in bed.
The confusion comes in when you can’t seem to make sense of what’s happening in your inner world. I’ve spent a lot of time connecting to that inner world yet some days it’s a challenge to turn within and grasp what’s happening emotionally. When you cut your finger, it’s easy to know where the pain is coming from and why. Emotional pain is much trickier and harder to trace. I’ve spent a lot of time this week asking myself over and over, “What’s this sadness trying to tell me?” The most confusing part is not hearing a clear answer. The struggle feels so real, yet I know it’s only in my mind and the way that I’m thinking, particularly about myself. When I have a setback like this, it’s difficult to get back on my feet. There is no rational argument that can be made to snap out of it. The truth is that most of my fears are actually little gremlins that scurry around my mind whispering things that have no basis in reality.
Recovering from Lyme Disease was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done yet I learned a great deal about myself. I learned that we have immense power over our thoughts. When we think positively about ourselves, we immerse ourselves in a chemical cascade that’s incredibly healing and empowering. Positive thought and affirmation literally reprogram our cells and allow us to create and forge past obstacles. Sometimes it’s easy and other times, it feels downright impossible. This week was one of those weeks and I’m doing my best to pull myself back up and tell myself a different story.
My heart feels heavy and filled with sadness and grief. Born an empath, I tend to take on the weight of the world when others are suffering. I can literally feel others pain as though it’s my own. I also have some old programming that tends to ruminate, telling me that I’m worthless and completely inept. That’s a program I’d love to smash into a million bits as it’s dominated my wiring for way too long. It’s time to wake up and smell the roses. It’s time to spend time in gratitude as a way to shift from negativity to positivity. There’s always something to be grateful for no matter how difficult things might seem in the moment. I’m determined to pick myself up and tell myself a different story, a kind story, a loving story. It’s time to let that little girl know that she’s just fine just the way she is. It’s time to tell her she’s done a great job and she’s loved…particularly by herself…and that’s all that matters. She’s deserving of capturing grace…her own grace.
I guess I forgot that wisdom is reflected to me daily in a poem by Mother Theresa that I keep in a frame on my wall. Wise words from a woman I deeply admire and relate to on many levels. Wise words that I need to read more often:
Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is bliss, taste it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is costly, care for it.
Life is wealth, keep it.
Life is love, enjoy it.
Life is mystery, know it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.